Just a few hours ago, I broke in this new year with a small handful of very good friends.
It was definitely one of the most memorable New Years Eve experiences I've ever had. I can tell already.
It had to do with dance parties, ice ball fights in the streets of town, abandoned haunted factories, and me ripping my pants in an attempt to jump a fence.
But I'll tell you what, the whole time, it was foggy.
Like, super foggy.
As I was driving home, nothing looked familiar. I was going on a path I'd gone down a thousand times in high school, and I had no idea where I was. Stop signs and driveways were becoming surprises. I couldn't even see fully lit up industrial buildings from their parking lots. It's almost like, they just vanished.
I realized that this was exactly how I've been feeling emotionally.
I started a particular emotional journey a year ago starting this Wednesday, and it has been hard.
It started with a lot of hope, has had plenty of doubt and pain.. noble intentions perhaps distorted by wanting to take center stage in a drama that's ultimately not mine.
But as many of these affairs do, my words are beginning to fall on deaf ears.
I change my mind too frequently, and honestly, who can handle that?
When I left Spring Arbor, I understood fully that it was sacrificing the familiar for the unknown.
That I was turning a page in my life.
I knew that in the process I would feel regret, and want to go back...
but I couldn't. I can't. I have to remind myself that there's a reason that I left.
Before you can see what is on the next page, you have to leave all the words on the last one.
You can't keep the ones you like.
You have to leave them.
Embracing what's next with all of your vulnerability - and doing it when you don't know what you are exposing yourself to.
The worst thing right now is the limbo...
I've left all my friends behind, and have yet to discover new ones. I've left my job, and yet to acquire new employment, and rent is now due (again).
This is the point that the vision that I started with needs to push me through... because I honestly don't know what's next.
I'm lonely.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel like love has cracked the door open, but refuses to come in... and refuses to shut itself out, leaving me with the cold air creeping into my most vulnerable states of being.
The page is turned halfway now. Just far enough to leave the previous one behind, but not bent enough to catch the drift of words that are pending to brush against your heart.
It's just foggy enough to not see what's right in front of you.
Whether it's a stop sign...
or perhaps a fork in the road.
Wouldn't it be nice if the book of our lives had an index, so we could turn to the page we want, and know what was there? I suppose that we can't see what the future has in store so that we will learn to find comfort in our faith. Faith that God will see us through. Faith that He will put us in the right place at the right time, and will meet our needs as they arise. Learning to depend on that faith is scary. Like driving home in a thick fog. You never really know what's in the road ahead. But once you trust your faith, it really doesn't matter. Because you know you'll be ok.
ReplyDeleteI particularly like your line "Before you can see what is on the next page, you have to leave all the words on the last one". Well stated.
However that does not mean that we forget those words just because we aren't on that page anymore. We need to remember those words to make sense of the new words on the next page. The continuum of our life story.
You are young and unencumbered. This is the time in your life story for you to find your niche in life...what you want to do as a career, whom you want to choose for your life mate, where you want to reside...the choices are endless. It is an exciting time, yet also a difficult, confusing time. It can be quite overwhelming. There are so many things to take into consideration. And it may seem like if you make the wrong decision, it will destroy everything. May you find comfort in these words...it will all work out. Maybe not in the way you thought it would, but in the way that is best for you. I have found that when I try to force my life to provide a particular outcome, I rarely succeed. But, if I sit back some, and just let things fall into place, the outcome often is better that what I had imagined in the first place. The transition may be disappointing at first, but once things start to settle and make sense, the big picture comes through. Like putting together a puzzle...at first, all the pieces are a confused jumble of messiness. You work through them, one by one, finding the place for each piece. If you don't have an idea of what the picture is supposed to end up as, that makes the process very challenging. When you think you have an idea of what the final picture will be, sometimes you can be surprised (or disappointed) to find that you were way off. Eventually, though, with work and attention, the puzzle will be completed. And a clear picture will be visible to all who look.
It's ok to have dreams and aspirations, but don't become fixated on them. Just because you want a puzzle piece to fit in a certain place, doesn't mean it will. No matter how hard you mash it into place, if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit.
You may be sitting in the drivers seat, and have the steering wheel in your hands. You may even be familiar with the road. But like driving in that thick fog, you never really know what is in your path. You may even drive off the path, unaware that you are no longer headed to the proper destination. So, take your time, watch for signs, and listen for the guidance of mentors and God above. We've been there. We want to help you and protect you. We love you. More than you will ever understand or know.