go.

This is a blog that was posted by my friend Megin, and spoke volumes to my soul, and to what I happened to be experiencing this evening.  It's an exert from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest"


               Will You Go Without Knowing?
      "He went out, not knowing whither he went." Hebrews 11:8
               Have you been "out" in this way? If so, there is no logical statement possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the difficulties in Christian work is this question - "What do you expect to do?" You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually revise your attitude towards God and see if it is a going out of everything, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in perpetual wonder - you do not know what God is going to do next. Each morning you wake it is to be a "going out," building in confidence on God. "Take no thought for your life, . . . nor yet for your body" - take no thought for the things for which you did take thought before you "went out."
               Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you go out in surrender to Him until you are not surprised an atom at anything He does?
               Suppose God is the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him - what an impertinence worry is! Let the attitude of the life be a continual "going out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have an ineffable charm about it which is a satisfaction to Jesus. You have to learn to go out of convictions, out of creeds, out of experiences, until so far as your faith is concerned, there is nothing between yourself and God.

-Oswald Chambers

Ever Pretend?

I often times find myself in situations that I could have avoided, but once this truth is pointed out to me and I have to chance to stop and think about it, I cannot resurrect a single memory to prove to you that I've done such a thing.

I also often times have been accused of pretending, which coincidentally I like to pretend isn't really true, but most days I honestly can't tell you the accuracy of such a claim.

I will tell you with an overflowing heart just how genuine I am.

Because                          you see                             I am  

                               genuinely


scared
vulnerable
extremist
confused
lonely
human
messy
angry
depressed
terrified
emotional
handful
needy
inconsistent
unreliable
unbeliveable
irrational
dishonorable
deceiving
selfish
lustful
bashful
loud
too loud
misunderstood
forgotten
forgotten




                                                            remembered?




                                                                forgiven.





peace

Just Foggy Enough

Just a few hours ago, I broke in this new year with a small handful of very good friends.

It was definitely one of the most memorable New Years Eve experiences I've ever had.  I can tell already.

It had to do with dance parties, ice ball fights in the streets of town, abandoned haunted factories, and me ripping my pants in an attempt to jump a fence.

But I'll tell you what, the whole time, it was foggy.

Like, super foggy. 

As I was driving home, nothing looked familiar.  I was going on a path I'd gone down a thousand times in high school, and I had no idea where I was.  Stop signs and driveways were becoming surprises.  I couldn't even see fully lit up industrial buildings from their parking lots.  It's almost like, they just vanished.

I realized that this was exactly how I've been feeling emotionally.

I started a particular emotional journey a year ago starting this Wednesday, and it has been hard.

It started with a lot of hope, has had plenty of doubt and pain.. noble intentions perhaps distorted by wanting to take center stage in a drama that's ultimately not mine.

But as many of these affairs do, my words are beginning to fall on deaf ears.

I change my mind too frequently, and honestly, who can handle that?

When I left Spring Arbor, I understood fully that it was sacrificing the familiar for the unknown.

That I was turning a page in my life.

I knew that in the process I would feel regret, and want to go back...
but I couldn't.  I can't.  I have to remind myself that there's a reason that I left.

Before you can see what is on the next page, you have to leave all the words on the last one.
You can't keep the ones you like.
You have to leave them.

Embracing what's next with all of your vulnerability - and doing it when you don't know what you are exposing yourself to.

The worst thing right now is the limbo...

I've left all my friends behind, and have yet to discover new ones.  I've left my job, and yet to acquire new employment, and rent is now due (again).

This is the point that the vision that I started with needs to push me through... because I honestly don't know what's next.

I'm lonely.

I feel taken for granted.

I feel like love has cracked the door open, but refuses to come in... and refuses to shut itself out, leaving me with the cold air creeping into my most vulnerable states of being.

The page is turned halfway now.  Just far enough to leave the previous one behind, but not bent enough to catch the drift of words that are pending to brush against your heart.

It's just foggy enough to not see what's right in front of you.

Whether it's a stop sign...

                  or perhaps a fork in the road.