Saturday, April 2, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
living a better story doesn't always mean leaving (and a thousand other apologies)
There is something deeply embedded into our culture that communicates to us that the cure for tension is to leave. That when the going gets rough, then it's time to uproot and find your dreams elsewhere.
We can find a million excuses as to why indeed we should leave.
We can even stamp the idea as God's will for our life.
Thinking and believing that we were designed for something greater. Something bigger.
My question would be
bigger than what?
Bigger than the community you are placed in?
Bigger than the real people that are really around you that are really
made in God's likeness?
I heard it once said that Satan's biggest objective was to take center stage in God's story, and since he's failed to do so, his biggest objective now is to convince us that the center stage belongs to us.
We all ask a lot of questions concerning our lives, and they are mostly legitimate questions.
I think the danger is when the question, "Where does God want me to be?"
trumps the question, "Who does God want me to be?"
When we focus so intensely on the geography of God's plan it can be easy to assume when things get rough that it's God's will we should leave.
If we were to take a closer look at the question
"Who does God want me to be?"
We might just discover that the kind of person God desires for us to be is the kind of person
who stays.
After all, God has an infinite reputation for staying. It's not hard to find in scripture. He stayed with the Israelites. He stayed with kings and prophets. Jesus stayed with his disciples. He stayed with sinners. With dirty people. People everyone else had left.
he stayed with you.
The parable for eternity that marriage is is one of permanence. Covenant.
So what sense does it make that we - being made in God's likeness, should be creatures who leave when things get hard?
When people get unbearable?
When jobs get overwhelming?
When relationships need
too
much
reconciling.
I'm guilty.
I'm guilty of leaving. Of looking for a bigger, better story.
Of trying to create for myself a world where I was center stage. I did it because
I'm
prideful
selfish
think and act like I'm better than everyone else
convinced I'm somehow special.
so when I left, I left some wreckage.
I left
relationships that needed words of healing. that needed apology.
friendships that needed investing. that needed commitment.
courses that needed better grades. that needed harder work ethic.
....
and a library that needed paid late fees.
In some fashion or another,
I made a lot of enemies here, and somewhere along the road I just decided that it would be
easier to leave than to
deal with it.
and now, through a lot of grace
and a lot of sovereignty
I'm back.
and I have a lot of work to do.
Stability has wisdom - and this is what she says -
when you are tempted to leave, remember that you are made in the image of a bigger God.
a God who stayed
with you.
We can find a million excuses as to why indeed we should leave.
We can even stamp the idea as God's will for our life.
Thinking and believing that we were designed for something greater. Something bigger.
My question would be
bigger than what?
Bigger than the community you are placed in?
Bigger than the real people that are really around you that are really
made in God's likeness?
I heard it once said that Satan's biggest objective was to take center stage in God's story, and since he's failed to do so, his biggest objective now is to convince us that the center stage belongs to us.
We all ask a lot of questions concerning our lives, and they are mostly legitimate questions.
I think the danger is when the question, "Where does God want me to be?"
trumps the question, "Who does God want me to be?"
When we focus so intensely on the geography of God's plan it can be easy to assume when things get rough that it's God's will we should leave.
If we were to take a closer look at the question
"Who does God want me to be?"
We might just discover that the kind of person God desires for us to be is the kind of person
who stays.
After all, God has an infinite reputation for staying. It's not hard to find in scripture. He stayed with the Israelites. He stayed with kings and prophets. Jesus stayed with his disciples. He stayed with sinners. With dirty people. People everyone else had left.
he stayed with you.
The parable for eternity that marriage is is one of permanence. Covenant.
So what sense does it make that we - being made in God's likeness, should be creatures who leave when things get hard?
When people get unbearable?
When jobs get overwhelming?
When relationships need
too
much
reconciling.
I'm guilty.
I'm guilty of leaving. Of looking for a bigger, better story.
Of trying to create for myself a world where I was center stage. I did it because
I'm
prideful
selfish
think and act like I'm better than everyone else
convinced I'm somehow special.
so when I left, I left some wreckage.
I left
relationships that needed words of healing. that needed apology.
friendships that needed investing. that needed commitment.
courses that needed better grades. that needed harder work ethic.
....
and a library that needed paid late fees.
In some fashion or another,
I made a lot of enemies here, and somewhere along the road I just decided that it would be
easier to leave than to
deal with it.
and now, through a lot of grace
and a lot of sovereignty
I'm back.
and I have a lot of work to do.
Stability has wisdom - and this is what she says -
when you are tempted to leave, remember that you are made in the image of a bigger God.
a God who stayed
with you.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
roots.
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.
But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
Have you ever been at a place in your life where you allowed yourself to plant roots deeply?
Maybe it's something that you don't really think about. Maybe you've been in one place for so long that you feel like your roots have gone deep, but the tree is withering away.
Or perhaps you are like me.
Perhaps you can't stay in one place for too long.
You get anxious.
You see,
When you stay in one place for too long, and start to plant deep roots, it's never long after that you begin to leave a trail of mistakes and messes. That ground that you once thought of as rich soil - soil that would heal you. Soil that would save you. It starts to look a little bit more like dust, and before you know it you are ready to leave. Ready to find the next spot of land that might cause you to bear fruit.
The problem is, you keep moving.
Once you begin to plant roots, you begin to see how dirty the dirt is.
It's never how you imagined it. Never how you wanted it to be.
The worse part of it is that due to your refusal to let your roots dig down deep - due to your constantly moving from place to place, you miss the beautiful things that are happening.
You miss the beautiful messes that are taking place.
And while you were busy moving from here to there
others were planting roots.
Others were saying, 'Yes, this is where I must grow; where God has planted me.'
And before you know it, you'll come back to the field that you tried to grow in, and it will be a forest of seed you used to know. Seeds that became trees while
you were too worried about where the right place to be a tree was.
You start to see that the geography of your growth was never important. It never was about you being a tree here or you being a tree there.
You were just
called to be a tree.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 'I the LORD searches the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.'"
This week I was rewarded according to what my deeds deserved.
I am finally beginning to see the need for my roots to go down deep. To learn what it means to be stable - to learn what it means when everyone and everything else is saying 'GO', to listen to the Voice that is saying, 'stay'.
By nature, I'm a very desperate person.
What's discouraging is this time
I was careful.
This time, I didn't immediately act on my feelings.
I waited.
Despite the desperation that flows through my veins, I stayed put until I felt the time was right.
And then it happened. It felt right. I was ready to plant roots. I was ready to go into that forest where I knew no trees and commit to not uproot. I wanted to know the messes of the soil and learn to love and live with them.
but maybe a day too late.
I don't know why I never seem to learn that when God gives you a puzzle piece of wisdom, you can't build the rest of your own pieces to fill the picture, thinking that you know what it's going to look like.
So now,
I know I need to plant roots.
I thought I knew what that looked like... but I can't yet say that I do.
All I know is this:
in order for there to be a bloom, there has to be deep, deep roots.
And infinitely,
God's grace runs deeper than any roots.
But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
Have you ever been at a place in your life where you allowed yourself to plant roots deeply?
Maybe it's something that you don't really think about. Maybe you've been in one place for so long that you feel like your roots have gone deep, but the tree is withering away.
Or perhaps you are like me.
Perhaps you can't stay in one place for too long.
You get anxious.
You see,
When you stay in one place for too long, and start to plant deep roots, it's never long after that you begin to leave a trail of mistakes and messes. That ground that you once thought of as rich soil - soil that would heal you. Soil that would save you. It starts to look a little bit more like dust, and before you know it you are ready to leave. Ready to find the next spot of land that might cause you to bear fruit.
The problem is, you keep moving.
Once you begin to plant roots, you begin to see how dirty the dirt is.
It's never how you imagined it. Never how you wanted it to be.
The worse part of it is that due to your refusal to let your roots dig down deep - due to your constantly moving from place to place, you miss the beautiful things that are happening.
You miss the beautiful messes that are taking place.
And while you were busy moving from here to there
others were planting roots.
Others were saying, 'Yes, this is where I must grow; where God has planted me.'
And before you know it, you'll come back to the field that you tried to grow in, and it will be a forest of seed you used to know. Seeds that became trees while
you were too worried about where the right place to be a tree was.
You start to see that the geography of your growth was never important. It never was about you being a tree here or you being a tree there.
You were just
called to be a tree.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 'I the LORD searches the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.'"
This week I was rewarded according to what my deeds deserved.
I am finally beginning to see the need for my roots to go down deep. To learn what it means to be stable - to learn what it means when everyone and everything else is saying 'GO', to listen to the Voice that is saying, 'stay'.
By nature, I'm a very desperate person.
What's discouraging is this time
I was careful.
This time, I didn't immediately act on my feelings.
I waited.
Despite the desperation that flows through my veins, I stayed put until I felt the time was right.
And then it happened. It felt right. I was ready to plant roots. I was ready to go into that forest where I knew no trees and commit to not uproot. I wanted to know the messes of the soil and learn to love and live with them.
but maybe a day too late.
I don't know why I never seem to learn that when God gives you a puzzle piece of wisdom, you can't build the rest of your own pieces to fill the picture, thinking that you know what it's going to look like.
So now,
I know I need to plant roots.
I thought I knew what that looked like... but I can't yet say that I do.
All I know is this:
in order for there to be a bloom, there has to be deep, deep roots.
And infinitely,
God's grace runs deeper than any roots.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
abandoning reckless abandon: confessions of a beautifully failed pursuit
Currently I am sitting at my desk in the corner of my relatively empty apartment in East Town Grand Rapids. There's a window to my right that stretches from the floor to the ceiling, and through it I can see mounds of snow and ice, bare trees, an orange light shimmering from the lamp post by the sidewalk, and a dark parking lot across the street.
Every 5-10 seconds a car zooms by, making it's way to or fro downtown.
It's February 3rd, 2011 and my life will never be the same.
I have realized in the analysis of recent postings that this blog started as a place to document times in which I have happened to hear a bloom whispered, or rather,
a subtle instance of the glory of Christ being revealed by his ever-so-slowly-and-sweetly redemption of every last thing on this earth.
yes, this blog started as that,
and quickly turned into a place of self pity and questioning on my own end, with no regard of the story unfolding in other people's lives.
You see,
I heard a whisper once.
And I felt a call.
And I took a step towards the whisper. but as such the nature of a whisper, you can't always be certain of it's content. The lack of certainty found ( or not found ) in the source of the whisper drives one to create certainty from oneself. And each time you retell your whisper story, you begin to convince yourself more and more that there is no other way. No other option but to follow this path that just months ago you dared not consider taking.
What causes a man to take a different path?
Is it hope or curiosity? Or perhaps longing for something different - something 'better'.
or simply the need to leave. which can be a disease to some.
At this point it would be easy to assume a tone of regret in my writing. On the contrary, there is no such thing.
My decision to leave Spring Arbor was made in due time, and though it initially started as a step towards a larger dream in which I was certain had always been in my shadow awaiting to emerge into the conscious mind, I have found myself on a road I hadn't anticipated. A road that has led me here - to this very moment.
It's funny how the sovereignty of God will work with the insecurity of man, leading him from place to place, way to way, stopping him at every crucial point of stationary existence as He shapes the mind, heart and character for His Will.
It's funny how God can supply an internal certainty of direction, and as quickly as he can take the breath from your lungs in a moment of awe, He can about-face-you to somewhere else.
A Damascus Road of sorts..
Not at all void of purpose or plan or joy. For whether cloud by day or fire by night, I care not where it leads me, as long as I am close to the Whisper.
Friends, I will not be attending Belmont University in Nashville, TN.
God has laid out my life before my eyes for the taking, willing to bless any great thing I try, I have no doubt.
But I no longer want greatness to be the name that is stamped on my heart.
I want something much bigger than that.
I want Jesus Christ.
When it comes to living a better story, there is one thing that is most crucially important to understand:
it is not your story.
The question is, are you willing to be interrupted?
Are you willing to sacrifice the story you could create for yourself in order for the story of Jesus Christ to be told?
They are not always two separate stories.
In my case, I don't believe they were at all.
But I evaluated the most valuable thing to me in my life, and after much mulling and praying, have come to the conclusion that my path is a different one than when this journey first started.
and it's the sweetest thing I've ever tasted.
And with every step that I take in this place - this season of my life - I feel immense purpose, and strategic planning on God's end. He will use whatever he wills to lead you somewhere He wants you to be, and reveal a changed road to you as often as he desires.
For me,
I know I am supposed to be here, in this place, at this time.
and when this season has concluded....
I refuse to leave it unchanged.
Every 5-10 seconds a car zooms by, making it's way to or fro downtown.
It's February 3rd, 2011 and my life will never be the same.
I have realized in the analysis of recent postings that this blog started as a place to document times in which I have happened to hear a bloom whispered, or rather,
a subtle instance of the glory of Christ being revealed by his ever-so-slowly-and-sweetly redemption of every last thing on this earth.
yes, this blog started as that,
and quickly turned into a place of self pity and questioning on my own end, with no regard of the story unfolding in other people's lives.
You see,
I heard a whisper once.
And I felt a call.
And I took a step towards the whisper. but as such the nature of a whisper, you can't always be certain of it's content. The lack of certainty found ( or not found ) in the source of the whisper drives one to create certainty from oneself. And each time you retell your whisper story, you begin to convince yourself more and more that there is no other way. No other option but to follow this path that just months ago you dared not consider taking.
What causes a man to take a different path?
Is it hope or curiosity? Or perhaps longing for something different - something 'better'.
or simply the need to leave. which can be a disease to some.
At this point it would be easy to assume a tone of regret in my writing. On the contrary, there is no such thing.
My decision to leave Spring Arbor was made in due time, and though it initially started as a step towards a larger dream in which I was certain had always been in my shadow awaiting to emerge into the conscious mind, I have found myself on a road I hadn't anticipated. A road that has led me here - to this very moment.
It's funny how the sovereignty of God will work with the insecurity of man, leading him from place to place, way to way, stopping him at every crucial point of stationary existence as He shapes the mind, heart and character for His Will.
It's funny how God can supply an internal certainty of direction, and as quickly as he can take the breath from your lungs in a moment of awe, He can about-face-you to somewhere else.
A Damascus Road of sorts..
Not at all void of purpose or plan or joy. For whether cloud by day or fire by night, I care not where it leads me, as long as I am close to the Whisper.
Friends, I will not be attending Belmont University in Nashville, TN.
God has laid out my life before my eyes for the taking, willing to bless any great thing I try, I have no doubt.
But I no longer want greatness to be the name that is stamped on my heart.
I want something much bigger than that.
I want Jesus Christ.
When it comes to living a better story, there is one thing that is most crucially important to understand:
it is not your story.
The question is, are you willing to be interrupted?
Are you willing to sacrifice the story you could create for yourself in order for the story of Jesus Christ to be told?
They are not always two separate stories.
In my case, I don't believe they were at all.
But I evaluated the most valuable thing to me in my life, and after much mulling and praying, have come to the conclusion that my path is a different one than when this journey first started.
and it's the sweetest thing I've ever tasted.
And with every step that I take in this place - this season of my life - I feel immense purpose, and strategic planning on God's end. He will use whatever he wills to lead you somewhere He wants you to be, and reveal a changed road to you as often as he desires.
For me,
I know I am supposed to be here, in this place, at this time.
and when this season has concluded....
I refuse to leave it unchanged.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
go.
This is a blog that was posted by my friend Megin, and spoke volumes to my soul, and to what I happened to be experiencing this evening. It's an exert from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest"
Will You Go Without Knowing?
"He went out, not knowing whither he went." Hebrews 11:8
Have you been "out" in this way? If so, there is no logical statement possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the difficulties in Christian work is this question - "What do you expect to do?" You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually revise your attitude towards God and see if it is a going out of everything, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in perpetual wonder - you do not know what God is going to do next. Each morning you wake it is to be a "going out," building in confidence on God. "Take no thought for your life, . . . nor yet for your body" - take no thought for the things for which you did take thought before you "went out."
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you go out in surrender to Him until you are not surprised an atom at anything He does?
Suppose God is the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him - what an impertinence worry is! Let the attitude of the life be a continual "going out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have an ineffable charm about it which is a satisfaction to Jesus. You have to learn to go out of convictions, out of creeds, out of experiences, until so far as your faith is concerned, there is nothing between yourself and God.
-Oswald Chambers
Will You Go Without Knowing?
"He went out, not knowing whither he went." Hebrews 11:8
Have you been "out" in this way? If so, there is no logical statement possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the difficulties in Christian work is this question - "What do you expect to do?" You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually revise your attitude towards God and see if it is a going out of everything, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in perpetual wonder - you do not know what God is going to do next. Each morning you wake it is to be a "going out," building in confidence on God. "Take no thought for your life, . . . nor yet for your body" - take no thought for the things for which you did take thought before you "went out."
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you go out in surrender to Him until you are not surprised an atom at anything He does?
Suppose God is the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him - what an impertinence worry is! Let the attitude of the life be a continual "going out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have an ineffable charm about it which is a satisfaction to Jesus. You have to learn to go out of convictions, out of creeds, out of experiences, until so far as your faith is concerned, there is nothing between yourself and God.
-Oswald Chambers
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Ever Pretend?
I often times find myself in situations that I could have avoided, but once this truth is pointed out to me and I have to chance to stop and think about it, I cannot resurrect a single memory to prove to you that I've done such a thing.
I also often times have been accused of pretending, which coincidentally I like to pretend isn't really true, but most days I honestly can't tell you the accuracy of such a claim.
I will tell you with an overflowing heart just how genuine I am.
Because you see I am
genuinely
scared
vulnerable
extremist
confused
lonely
human
messy
angry
depressed
terrified
emotional
handful
needy
inconsistent
unreliable
unbeliveable
irrational
dishonorable
deceiving
selfish
lustful
bashful
loud
too loud
misunderstood
forgotten
forgotten
remembered?
forgiven.
peace
I also often times have been accused of pretending, which coincidentally I like to pretend isn't really true, but most days I honestly can't tell you the accuracy of such a claim.
I will tell you with an overflowing heart just how genuine I am.
Because you see I am
genuinely
scared
vulnerable
extremist
confused
lonely
human
messy
angry
depressed
terrified
emotional
handful
needy
inconsistent
unreliable
unbeliveable
irrational
dishonorable
deceiving
selfish
lustful
bashful
loud
too loud
misunderstood
forgotten
forgotten
remembered?
forgiven.
peace
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Just Foggy Enough
Just a few hours ago, I broke in this new year with a small handful of very good friends.
It was definitely one of the most memorable New Years Eve experiences I've ever had. I can tell already.
It had to do with dance parties, ice ball fights in the streets of town, abandoned haunted factories, and me ripping my pants in an attempt to jump a fence.
But I'll tell you what, the whole time, it was foggy.
Like, super foggy.
As I was driving home, nothing looked familiar. I was going on a path I'd gone down a thousand times in high school, and I had no idea where I was. Stop signs and driveways were becoming surprises. I couldn't even see fully lit up industrial buildings from their parking lots. It's almost like, they just vanished.
I realized that this was exactly how I've been feeling emotionally.
I started a particular emotional journey a year ago starting this Wednesday, and it has been hard.
It started with a lot of hope, has had plenty of doubt and pain.. noble intentions perhaps distorted by wanting to take center stage in a drama that's ultimately not mine.
But as many of these affairs do, my words are beginning to fall on deaf ears.
I change my mind too frequently, and honestly, who can handle that?
When I left Spring Arbor, I understood fully that it was sacrificing the familiar for the unknown.
That I was turning a page in my life.
I knew that in the process I would feel regret, and want to go back...
but I couldn't. I can't. I have to remind myself that there's a reason that I left.
Before you can see what is on the next page, you have to leave all the words on the last one.
You can't keep the ones you like.
You have to leave them.
Embracing what's next with all of your vulnerability - and doing it when you don't know what you are exposing yourself to.
The worst thing right now is the limbo...
I've left all my friends behind, and have yet to discover new ones. I've left my job, and yet to acquire new employment, and rent is now due (again).
This is the point that the vision that I started with needs to push me through... because I honestly don't know what's next.
I'm lonely.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel like love has cracked the door open, but refuses to come in... and refuses to shut itself out, leaving me with the cold air creeping into my most vulnerable states of being.
The page is turned halfway now. Just far enough to leave the previous one behind, but not bent enough to catch the drift of words that are pending to brush against your heart.
It's just foggy enough to not see what's right in front of you.
Whether it's a stop sign...
or perhaps a fork in the road.
It was definitely one of the most memorable New Years Eve experiences I've ever had. I can tell already.
It had to do with dance parties, ice ball fights in the streets of town, abandoned haunted factories, and me ripping my pants in an attempt to jump a fence.
But I'll tell you what, the whole time, it was foggy.
Like, super foggy.
As I was driving home, nothing looked familiar. I was going on a path I'd gone down a thousand times in high school, and I had no idea where I was. Stop signs and driveways were becoming surprises. I couldn't even see fully lit up industrial buildings from their parking lots. It's almost like, they just vanished.
I realized that this was exactly how I've been feeling emotionally.
I started a particular emotional journey a year ago starting this Wednesday, and it has been hard.
It started with a lot of hope, has had plenty of doubt and pain.. noble intentions perhaps distorted by wanting to take center stage in a drama that's ultimately not mine.
But as many of these affairs do, my words are beginning to fall on deaf ears.
I change my mind too frequently, and honestly, who can handle that?
When I left Spring Arbor, I understood fully that it was sacrificing the familiar for the unknown.
That I was turning a page in my life.
I knew that in the process I would feel regret, and want to go back...
but I couldn't. I can't. I have to remind myself that there's a reason that I left.
Before you can see what is on the next page, you have to leave all the words on the last one.
You can't keep the ones you like.
You have to leave them.
Embracing what's next with all of your vulnerability - and doing it when you don't know what you are exposing yourself to.
The worst thing right now is the limbo...
I've left all my friends behind, and have yet to discover new ones. I've left my job, and yet to acquire new employment, and rent is now due (again).
This is the point that the vision that I started with needs to push me through... because I honestly don't know what's next.
I'm lonely.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel like love has cracked the door open, but refuses to come in... and refuses to shut itself out, leaving me with the cold air creeping into my most vulnerable states of being.
The page is turned halfway now. Just far enough to leave the previous one behind, but not bent enough to catch the drift of words that are pending to brush against your heart.
It's just foggy enough to not see what's right in front of you.
Whether it's a stop sign...
or perhaps a fork in the road.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)